As far back as I can remember, I have been told to just be myself. But at the same time, I was taught to conform to stereotypes that make me feel inadequate and inauthentic. The fallout of this moment-to-moment conflict touches upon my view of myself as a woman, a mother, a daughter, a financial provider, a sexual entity, a relationship partner, etc. Let’s face it; I usually have a bone to pick with me. I can’t remember too many days without a derogatory comment or two floating in my head. I even recall thinking what would it be like to give all of that up. To know that in whatever moment, I am operating at optimal speed, in thought, in my intention, in my actions and to know that I am whole, not perfect, but whole. How do you do that???
Now the ego, pretending to be my friend, begs me to answer the question “but I thought the goal was to be more ‘Christ-like’” and “don’t you want to be perfect”? By bowing to the societal held notions of humanity, I forgot the goal of being human is not to be perfect. That’s where I missed the mark. Where does is say in any divinely inspired writing that perfection is achievable along the way, in this space and time? It’s an inspired goal, an end of a journey, not the journey itself. It is perfect at the end; when we return home to debrief the saints, the angels and ascended beings of our hard-learned lessons and musings. But I am not there yet, I am here. And in being here, there are several elements of the now that I try to fly past, attempting to skirt the inconvenience of seeing myself as I really am. When I am insistent with a clerk or impatient with the driver ahead of me, do I claim to be Christ-like? Do I forgive them and/or forgive myself? Is it heavenly for me to ask you to say what you want so I can tailor my comments to safely to speak my needs? Nope. Surrendering the fantasy of perfection is more involved than just saying ‘I know I am not perfect’. It also doesn’t mean I will have to apologize for every misspoken word or deed gone wrong either. It could be recognizing that the Divine is operating through me at all times and if I relax into the flow of the unconditional love that is always mine, I will respond in love, not perfection. Responding in Love means I take a breath before returning fire in a verbal assault. It allows me to open a channel for me to step into the rough space of speaking my feelings first and feel grounded.
Now, most of my days have been full of living in the moment, experiencing fully and moving on. I’m used to looking for a reflection from a loved one before making a statement of self, a decision or a non-decision. The need to deconstruct my actions or to even consider if my actions are correct before I take step is nil. I am living in the flow. What has happened is that I have reached a level of comfort with myself. I am happy with the moves I’ve been making. That is not to say that all of them have been perfect and yet they have been perfect for me. Even in what I call my “question mark” days, a sense of peace and appreciation for living supersedes the old desire to query myself. And yes, sometimes it’s been uncomfortable. The uncomfortable part comes in when I have instinctively recognized my clear choice and followed it. My being an adult causes me growing pains of maturity. Then I think, “so this is what a grown-up looks like”.
Other times, it’s been down-right scary. I know that I don’t know. In a strange way, I’m finding the not knowing is what is bringing my instincts on-line. The trust I have in the Universe for my highest good, my prosperity and well-being has grown exponentially. It’s grown because I am learning to surrender in the moment to the “I-don’t-know” muscles I have been building up over the years. These muscles have been honed and sharpened with the help of loved ones, teachers and like beings that have graced my life. No questioning of my judgment, no finger pointing at myself with a well-placed “should” or suppose to”; it’s just been movement in the most graceful way possible at that time.
Do I think I’m safe from never beating myself up again or double checking the scorecard I have for Life? Not a chance! Do I consider myself superior or completely finished with learning how to be comfortable with myself at all times? No way! And yet, the peace of mind I have today, I have because I now trust in The Source of All to provide my vehicle of transformation and my connection to my own humanity. I have moved over to the camp that believes Jesus and teachers like him came to not show us how to be perfect but how to be complete within ourselves thereby becoming in perfect union with the Divine. To recognize my short-comings and to combine them with the wisdom I receive while I am here, creating new knowledge, a new expression and a new experience of the Divine today, right now. This completeness is what makes us divinely human. Selah