I know how to walk and chew gum at the same time. Hell, I can walk, chew gum, cook a 3 course meal while, consulting on a business plan, create coursework for clients and hug up on my grandbabies all at the same time.
And yet, when I lost the love of my life, I had trouble walking or handling directions. I just couldn’t. I would get easily turned around and lose my bearings. I remember many occasions crying behind the wheel of my car because I couldn’t remember which way I needed to go. I called it the sad crazy. Everything reminded me of someone that was no longer there, especially when I least expected it. It took me awhile to return to center and be okay with the present moment.
Today, it feels similar but not exactly. This past week, I’ve felt the same stirrings the sad crazies. I’m saying a final goodbye to my dad. I’m internally so convoluted. I’d forget what I was going to say, have my tears come at the drop of the hat and be totally self-conscious about my focus on my grief. In public situations, I’d have to go to the bathroom so no one could see me beat up on myself for not being “normal”. I’d have to count to 10 or 20 or 100 so I wouldn’t snap at folks for simply being the little bits of God that they are.
And yet, it’s ok for me to stop, breathe, recognize my confusion, my sadness and disappointment that Life keeps being Life.
I lean in, and ask myself to go with whatever is my best understanding in this moment. I cut me some much needed slack.
I recognize that the Divine Source of All blessed me to know Love. Knowing Love is the closest we will ever come to having heaven on earth. I am eternally grateful I know that I know.
Some of you little bits of God mean well, but I refuse to be strong, accept that he’s in a better place, to not stay sad, mad, angry, yada, yada, yada.
Time will naturally temper my heart and my perspective.
Til then, know that I have been blessed to love someone and have that love returned. If it happens to you, swim in that Love, regardless of the type of relationship. Do backstrokes in it. Take selfies with it. Talk back to it and dance around the room with it as long as you want. Sleep with it wrapped around you. Anyone that tells you to let it go deserves a hearty fuck you.