Stand and Consider

The clock read 7:32 am. Damn. When I have a few high volume days of work strung together with only a few hours of sleep, my circadian rhythms are always slow to adjust. Just when I think I’ll sleep in, I pop up early. Of course, tonight, my body will give out, making me sleep nine hours or longer to try to catch up. Which I never can. It’s as if I have some kind of jetlag without the middle seat horror story.

I tried to finish a post I started and left languishing on the vine a week ago. The first few sentences were riveting. Even I thought, “Finally, something worth talking about instead of the drivel I was about to post”. But I put it aside. Had to do the grocery shopping and other family stuff ‘cause, you know, folks prioritize.

I figured I’d pick up right where I left off in a couple of days. When I began to try to finish it this morning, I got the feeling I need to wait a bit more. Writing a week ago, I was feeling something fierce, something that brought the heat to my face. Today that’s not there. It’s not that I don’t remember what caused me to focus so passionately. It’s that now that passion has been replaced with discernment.

So I’m up, listening to silence, considering the waiting I’ve been doing lately.

Waiting for my life to start, I mean restart,,, this time, has been extremely difficult. Difficult but not impossible. Grieving, unexpected delays, friends transitioning and other things have taken my focus of late. I know there is no time limit to grief or Life pausing. Doesn’t matter if it’s ten seconds, ten minutes, ten hours, ten days… you get the idea. Taking a beat, a breath to consider, is in my blood. Even so, I am ready to move forward or at least I think I am.

I seem to be waiting even while I’m waiting.

At least I’m not beating myself up or procrastinating. I’m not saying I have given up the lowly character fail of putting off for tomorrow what I could easily do today. Hey, I’m an OP, an original procrastinator from way back. I am a professional, developing good well-formed reasons for slacking… or at least I’ll make some up.

I just don’t beat myself up about it when I do.

Yet, waiting and procrastinating are not the same thing. Waiting is me pushing the pause button in my thinking, my actions or both. Procrastinating is, well, I’ll tell you later what it is.

Seriously though, procrastination has been the bane of my existence. My mother used to joke that because I was born prematurely; I’ve been making up for lost time and trying to get even ever since. I would gladly not do whatever I didn’t want to do or didn’t need to do until I did. I excelled at procrastination by distraction. I had no faith in myself so I married a guy to avoid the prospect of looking at me except his failure to launch skills surpassed even my mastery level. It goes without saying the divorce took longer than the marriage.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the waiting.

I had to learn how to make my internal pause button work for me instead of against me.

For example, I was in the post office a few days ago and received terrible service from the supervisor. They canceled my service for no good clear purpose and gave me a lame explanation. They were more concerned with telling the reason that I did not need to hear than fixing the problem. I was pissed. I stormed out of there, telling myself I needed to write a strongly worded email to the postmaster, post a rant on their Twitter and Instagram feeds, maybe even create a meme to punch the meaning home.

But did I need to? Did I really? I wasn’t sure.

If there is the smallest doubt, I give myself a timeout or sleep on it to decide how much of my energy do I want to give to the mundane, the inconsequential and the significant. Sometimes I do it to double check the decisions I already sorted out. I like that I get to choose for myself rather than let someone else choose for me. I am finally at a place where I value my time, my emotions and my efforts.

Waiting gives me to chance to get a sense of what is motivating me, why is it moving me, how I feel about it and most importantly, what my expectations and expectation level are.

Because I wait, I can no longer use the excuse of getting angry with someone else for pushing me to anything I say I didn’t want to do.

I get to see the only one pushing me IS me.

Do I want to waste my time, energy and emotional output on an encounter with a subpar postal employee? You bet your sweet bippy I do. Just not as much as I originally conspired to use.

SN: Ever have the experience that you are waiting for something, something great, but you don’t know what and it is taking such a long time that it starts to feel like it’s all made up in your head and you think you’re stupid for putting off any decisions to do something different until The Universe hands you a great big old sign that even Stevie Wonder could see???

No? Okay, just me then.

Until something changes, I’ll keep working out just how much waiting I actually need before it morphs into procrastin… oh look! Squirrel chakras!

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