I remember when I first wanted to know how I could find my best life.
Back then, I knew two things for certain and one thing for sure and that was that I didn’t know shit.
I can remember when I use to avoid saying I don’t know like the plague. It was as if saying that gave license to someone doubting my intelligence or ability to learn.
Saying I don’t know felt like I was confirming all of the negative comments anyone has ever said about me. And saying “I don’t care” or acting as if I’m unaffected by a criticism is exactly that…an act. Instead of believing in myself more. I got better at acting.
Oh I knew what I wanted. Deep and lasting love? Sure. Happiness? Of course. Good Health? Who doesn’t want that? Be richer than Gates and Buffet combined? Yup, I’ll take that too. In which direction am I supposed to move to achieve all of this?
And what should I go after first?
The only thing I was painfully aware of was that I didn’t know. Anything.
And now that I KNOW the answers to life’s questions, I don’t want to keep it to myself.
But you may not like the answers. I didn’t either the first time I heard them.
I hesitate to share my two cents because there only no guarantee it will give you what you seek.
So, how do I get the place where I am comfortable with not knowing and how can I find the answers to my best life?
Ready? Okay, here is goes…
- First, be lovingly honest with yourself, always, no matter what.
- Second, keep moving in the direction you really want your next step to take you.
- Third, laugh, love and cry whenever you can.
- Fourth, repeat steps one, two & three.
IKR?!? It’s so simply and yet beyond irritating. And there’s no guarantee!
Before I had been taught that uncertainty and the unknown are dangerous ingredients, part of a recipe of a disastrous and irresponsible life. You would think becoming aware that I do not know Life’s answers, the next footsteps to take on my life’s journey, would terrify me.
The not knowing? It’s alright as feelings go. Pretending not to care when someone hurts my feelings, when I’m disappointed or pretending there is nothing wrong when my mind is whirling is bad. Acting as if for the sake of acting as if, like that’s normal is worst. It’s robotic and colorless.
Not knowing is an okay place to be.
Now, I ain’t scared. Not anymore. I’ve faced disappointment, guilt, shame, even a regret or two more times than I would have liked. A little lack of certainty doesn’t even make me sweat anymore.
Wanna know chills my blood?
Not liking what I see in the mirror in the morning. Not wanting to see a sunset or the smile of baby or the face of the one I love. Not appreciating the curve of my hips or my flexible limbs.
Not wanting to experience life in all of it’s messed up glory scares the living shit outta me. I don’t ever want to feel that way again, even in the slightest.
Now I know that I don’t know and I’m so okay with that.
Because that’s what each new year brings, plenty of options. Good, bad or indifferent. Every year brings more chances to mess stuff up or to giggle with abandon or figure things out or. Always.
And right now, right now, I am ready for 2019 to bring some bright spots, some opportunities to live, to thrive and to celebrate Love in this world.
Maybe I’ll even win the lottery…who knows? It’s possible.