I’m in a good place today, have been for a couple of days now. Reflective, slightly sad but good.
Since coming home after Dad’s death, I’ve started, stopped and thrown away I don’t know how many posts. All because, I don’t know, they didn’t sound like the me I am feeling today. They read counterfeit, as if I was faking it and failing at being happy.
I wasn’t trying to make any waves, turn over any big ideas or cosmic thoughts. I wanted to feel less bad. I didn’t want to teach, learn, or inspire. I feel better when I listen to my heart and when I write. I just wanted to sit in the cut, do a little combination of exploration and internal spelunking; what I call inspeluration.
Admitting I am depressed is well, depressing. I’m “supposed” to be this big motivational, inspirational, healer-y, mystical-ly type. Aren’t we always happy about something? Why do I always have to be the one talking about the hard stuff, the stuff that scares when it goes bump in the night? Even I don’t want to be the one bringing up the bad stuff we slog through all the time! (By the way, me saying I am depressed does not mean I suffer from depression…js If you do; please consult someone for professional medical help)
Sometimes it can be hard to move forward, be positive or even see something better when there is a big hole in the middle of your life, in the middle of your heart. We all have to deal with those potholes. Holes created because someone we loved has died, we didn’t get the job we needed to get, the paycheck bounced just when the house needs a new roof, someone breaks our heart…you know, holes.
I mean the back and forth of the day to day, the up and down, the regular stuff is wearing enough. But this? It makes it heavy to hold on my soul’s Lightness. I really hate it when it feels like I’m Life’s personal chew toy.
I know this spot well. Every time Life has handed me my ass, I’ve ended up here. Everyone and I mean everyone has a spot like mine. Staring down disappointment and heartache, or ignoring rejection, looking for the sunny side of the street, forcing a smile, or jumping up and telling Life you hit like a, well, you know, gets tiring. So,
How many times can you start over?
How many times can you start over before you lose you?
How many times can you start over before you lose the desire to start over?
Schools don’t teach it. My parents didn’t; they told me to keep my head down and get a job. Or maybe they did and I just wasn’t listening because I didn’t understand that keeping my head down was the best way they knew how to deal with Life’s uglies.
Regardless of what has being said, I don’t know of anyone who knows the perfect way to handle Life’s potholes. Why aren’t there any classes in “Dealing with Life’s Ugliest Stuff 101”, or “Advance BS Training”? Would we have signed up if they had? Maybe there are Easter eggs!
Yet, Life carries with it “the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune”. (Meaning: shit gets real, ‘cause that’s what shit does).
We claim we prize growth, when really we reward victory. Triumph makes us feel better about our own lives. We say determination, fortitude and bravery are leadership qualities, but really, only if someone clearly comes out on top, no ambiguity involved. We like our rise above stories. And what of Grace and Mercy? Or honoring our hearts? Why are there not great sitting still stories? We don’t seem to hold dear the lessons they give us in facing adversity, showing resilience and willingness under pressure and in sacrifice. I wonder why.
Maybe, if we looked at what even remotely comes near what could be construed as accepting surrender or realizing our wrongness, we could stop denying and own it. We could, let go of what we think it means to fail, begin to accept frailty, foster a gentler acceptance of compassion or an embrace empathy, grace, mercy and resilience as lessons that can only be learned by a destructive experience, failure or loss thus celebrate any deeper understanding to our shared emotional life and energetic connectivity.
Once, someone share with me an old metaphor, one taken up by Ram Dass. “It’s all grist for the mill.” This, Life, its hallelujahs and its heartaches, all of this is all a part of the journey.
It is the reason why the antonym for an adversity is a blessing.
The truth is we cannot escape Life’s training in real-time. Mentally, metaphysically, spiritually we get the chance to learn, to grow. Some ways we grow better, some ways we grow worse. But we all get the chance and we all grow. Every day. All. the. damn. time.
Life is busy, umm, life-ing. (Yes, I know the word is living but you get it!) If we decide, what we learn is of value, it is up to us. How valuable we view the lesson is up to us. If and how we share what we have learned is up to us. Realizing Life’s lessons don’t care about feelings/emotions, in fact they depend on them is a mind shaker. That IS the point.
As the inimitable Alanis once wrote:
You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn
You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn
So I’m in a good place today. Reflective, slightly sad but good. It’s not one filled with sweetness and light, yet, it’s getting there and it is my place today.
Humph. Looka there – Less sad feels better than fake happy. Learn something new every day.