In a recent conversation, I made a comment where one wasn’t needed. A simple mistake. One that wouldn’t normally trigger the apocalypse …except, if you heard me cursing myself out, you’d have been looking over your shoulder for Thanos. (If you ain’t a Marvel Universe geek, ya betta ask somebody)
Man, if you talked to me the way I talk to me, there would be some consequences and complications. Usually I feel pretty good about me, really good actually.
So why do I do that? Why am I so condescendingly rude and verbally brutal to myself?
That question brings up more questions, more perplexing, vexing questions.
I need some “air time”.
I’ve learned the importance and value of letting the thought spiral go all the way through to its natural conclusion, without judgement of the question or of me for asking, so I can find out what’s really going on.
Eight times out of ten, it’s because I procrastinated, minimized my connection or a feeling. Sometimes it’s because I’ve stuck my head in the sand over something important to me.
Every once in a great while, it’s my favorite rhetorical that comes when I question myself for simply being.
And yes, I do this all the time because, truth be told, I want to get over myself as quickly as possible.
When I give myself permission to have air time, when I am only listening to learn, when I know that I’m not required to respond to what I find, my inner guide is free to support all of me… even the unpretty bits. The dark spots of me that I need as much as I do the light ones to guide me to living fully, expressively and completely. So….
Why do I do me the way I do?
In fact, why do I keep putting me down when I know better?
Why do I keep making moves that fracture my spirit and push me away from you?
If I don’t know me how can I begin to understand you?
Do I have to go to find myself in order to stop?
How long will it take?
When I find me, how do I even know if it’s the real me and not my representative?
Why, after struggling to escape one of the maddening constrictions of society’s cache, do I keep wanting to fit into another box?
Did I really just use “cache”?
How come I can still be emotionally unreciprocal with myself? Why do I keep seeking cover with emotionally unreciprocal people?
And why didn’t I phone a friend first?
Why do I hide from those that know and love me best?
Why do I hide from Love?
And why do I hide me from Me??? How Sway?
Is it because that sometimes, the thought of being loved completely still scares the bejezzus outta me?
What would happened if I viewed my weaknesses as strengths and my strengths as weaknesses?
Am I seeking wholeness or a version of holiness?
How do I know what version of “wholeness” will sustain me?
And how will I really know it when I see it if it keeps changing because I keep growing?
And if I don’t, will I be measured as unworthy and cast aside?
Who is doing the measuring? Is there a point system?
Can I get points for hugging myself?
How about baths? Dancing it out? Superhero posing?
What will it take me to be able to see Love more than I want to hold onto the false evidence of normalcy and complacency?
Why do I think I’m required to sacrifice myself for the sake of another in order to be considered good?
Is it wrong to not “live by the golden rule”, “to be all that you can be” or “to just do it”?
What if I want to go all platinum rule, be “whatever I feel like when I feel like it” and sleep on it to make certain it is what I want to do?
What if I don’t want to get with the program?
Can I get with a different program?
What if I want to make my own program?
Can my program come with a unicorn?
What I really want to know is…
Am I doing it right?
And what the hell is “it” anyway?
Ah, that old chestnut. Yes, dear heart, Yes, you are doing Life right.
*deep breathe aaaaaaaand release*
for my honey girl, Sharon…she loved finding her answers.