Spring Cleaning

A little while ago, I did some "checking in" with myself and found out to my surprise that I was ready. For what you might ask? I thought it was a new relationship. So I prayed, I wrote my list (if you want to know what kind of list, message me and I'll share), and began to prepare. 

I'm not exactly sure what I thought I needed to do so I followed all suggestions. I had my cards read, I signed up on an internet dating site. I even got pedicures and oils for my body while I breathed in affirmations each day to have my heart be shown the way.

I did go on a few dates. But even before the dates, I felt more desirable, more sensual than I had in a long time. I had grown inside myself a want for passion. I felt like a woman on the verge.

And then... nothing.

I mean there was a flicker, but no great romance. The old disappointment of being left wanting started to creep in.

The fear of being left alone began to circle me as a lion does its prey.

And the hurt of being past over started picking out china patterns and a stretched out on the couch in my head watching reruns of Law & Order.

It's a hard thing being lonely. I understand the pall it can cast over a life, over a lifetime. I usually run from it; straight into the arms of someone, anyone to keep from feeling it.

And then I remembered the worst feeling of all. A feeling that wasn't currently rummaging around in my head with the others.

I remembered what it felt like when I settled.

You know that belief? That one that has you thinking you have to make do with what you've got?

It clings, weighing you down, dampening every experience with the fear that what you have is not what you want, but it's the best you'll ever have.

Settling is what happens when the fear of going forward into the unknown is bigger than the fear of NOT going forward.

Settling is what I do when I start to believe in the parts of me that aren't great are bigger than the parts of me that are.

I did love once; magnificently. I didn't settle and it was fabulous and scary.  I thought my heart would burst from loving so hard.

And yes, my heart was broken.  And I am grateful for it all. But now, in this time, the feeling of settling isn't here. That's when I knew.

The new relationship I was ready to have I was experiencing with myself.  I realized I can deal with the lonlies, the hurts and the disappointments. They don't last, they never do.

But the fearing of those feelings makes them last a lot longer.

Today. I'm still feeling a little lonely, a little disappointed or even hurt. And yet, I know I'm still ready.  I know this because there is no settling here.

I don't know what's going to happen next, if my next great love is around the corner or years from now. And I'm ok with that.

Because I have me. I have access to myself as I never had before.

I am seeing me in bold colors and wonderful detail. 

I'm sensing burgeoning horizons and subtle sunrises awaiting me. Brilliant maybes and awesome yeses. Even some fantastic noes are available to me.

My possibilities are open and choices are mine. So now I have a new problem; defining what this "new" me wants.  Life is in motion and so am I. That's so cool! What'll I wear??? 

Stefanie B.